Conner Johnson 6/28/93-10/27/09

I was in seventh grade when i met a boy named, Conner Johnson. We became best friends, the kind that share everything with each other and never had to worry about one another telling anyone. Well as we grew older and went through changes and we discovered that girls no longer have cooties and boys are no longer icky. Then we soon developed feelings for each other, and i became Conner’s first girlfriend and be became my first boyfriend.

My first love, and my last?

We were together for 14 months. We didn’t just love each other, we were in love. We spend every free moment at school together, every minute we weren’t together texting, would be on the phone for hours, and thought about each other constantly. We were inseparable!

Then one day; 5:37 am, St. Johns Hospital, Room 432.

Me and my friend Angela rush over, Conner’s mom immediately informs me that last night Conner was in the car while Derek, Conner’s older brother was driving …..drunk. Derek made it out with a broken arm and a bruised rib. Conner wasn’t so fortunate. He has sever brain damage.

……three months go bye……

Conner has been on life support/a coma for these three months.

One very sunny, winter morning i head over to the hospital with my friend Rachel, her older brother Erik and Conner’s older brother Derek are very close friends…so are me and Rachel, Conner’s mom and dad are standing outside of his room door talking. They tell Rachel to go take a seat and ask me for a minute. I’m thinking Conner woke up or made some kind of miraculous steep forward. No. I thought wrong. The doctor straight up tells me they are pulling the plug, and that his injury’s to his brain wont be getting better anytime soon. All i could do was cry, cry then, cry on my way home, cry at home, cry all night, cry all day, cry for literally two weeks straight..and i went a hunger strike.

<3 R.I.P. Conner James Johnson 6/28/93-10/27/09 <3

To this day there isn’t a minute he doesn’t pass through my mind and i remember all the memories and great times we had together. And i often tear myself apart because i feel as if i betrayed Conner, by jumping into a relationship so quickly after his passing. I think i tried to hard to hide it all and pretend it never happened, and it was easy because Conner didn’t go to my school so i never felt the need to tell my friends, though i should have.

So is Conner my first love, and my last?

Well within the last three years i have had three serious relationships, and am in my fourth. First one after Conner’s death was Larry, it was your typical drama free high school relationship but i was often depressed and didn’t feel like i belonged in the relationship, though it lasted for nine months. Then suddenly one day we broke it off, no specific reason as to why we broke up but we did, and not even a week later i started dating Kareem, i thought i was in love, we were each others everything, until i found out hes a cheater. After Kareem i stopped the relationship life, and discovered “things” …oh yes i became quite the little teenage hoe. And even though i could spot out the fellas to stay away from and the one you wanna always keep wrapped around your finger, i still always went for the ones your supposed to stay away from, and i let myself get hurt every time. A few months passed then i met Brandon, i kind of just got sick of being hurt and used, and i knew Brandon was a great guy the type that would never hurt me, committed, so i just decided to go out with him. We lasted a rocky three months. Right after our break up i went back to my ways with the ‘bad boys’ and i set myself to get hurt more than any girl should be. I just tucked all the pain and hurt away and kept moving forward. Until i started to be called a whore and a slut but the other students in my school. Of course it hurt, but i didn’t let my pain show, i put on my strong pretty face and fought back. Telling myself im better than them. But really i wasn’t. I realized my ‘lucky number’ had gotten way to high and i was not just letting guys take advantage of me but i was also taking advantage of them. I so badly wanted to feel strong enough feelings for them, and for them to feel strong enough feelings for me so that we could start dating and maybe i would stop being called a whore and a slut if people saw i could keep one guy. But that never worked out, i just became a desperate clingy girl. Then one horrible day of mishap changed me…i was done. Done with guys for good. Until i met Trevor, ((: who at the moment is my amazing boyfried.

The point of all that ^^ is to show that i couldn’t, but nothing saying i still cant, have such strong feelings for anyone besides Conner. He was my first love, and because i cant find myself having the kind of feelings i had for Conner toward anyone else, it gets me thinking and almost believeing he is my one true love.

love lasts forever

Right? well maybe, just maybe Conner is my only love. I guess only time can only answer my question. But for now i am happier than ever with Trevor and Conner will always have the key to my heart.